Poor Unfortunate Souls

I admit that, at the start, I was cool with it
Twilight couldn't be as all bad as they'd say
Now that I've seen for myself,
I've kicked it off my shelf
Threw the whole kit and caboodle away
True, yes

And I fortunately gained a little knowledge
At least that is one good thing to be possessed
It's so bad, it makes me laugh
Those guys are all riffraff
They're so miserable, whiny, and depressed
(Pathetic!)

Poor unfortunate souls
In pain, in need
Bella only thinks of Edward
Jacob wants to get the girl
Do these guys need help?
Yes, indeed!

Those poor unfortunate souls
So sad, so true
You could never find a worse team
Of role models anywhere
Those guys need help
Yes, they do!

Now, it's happened once or twice
Some folks had to pay a price
I'm sad to say
Some fans have raked 'em across the coals
Meyer's had the odd complaint
But on the whole, she's like a saint
To those poor unfortunate souls

There's Edward's looks
His pretty face
And don't underestimate
The power of his body language!
(Hah!)

Those girls out there have set up sky-high standards
They think a guy who doesn't glitter is a bore
Yes, these days it's much preferred
For boys to never say a word
'Cause with Edward, what is idle prattle for?

Come on, we're not all that impressed with all this drivel
Smart people will avoid it if they can
Bella dotes and swoons and fawns
On some stranger who's withdrawn
And what does she do once she gets her man?

Come on, you poor unfortunate souls
Go ahead, make your choice
I have far better things to do
And I don't have forever
Come on, Meyer, find your voice

You poor unfortunate souls
It's sad but true
You don't have to cross that bridge, my friends
No need to pay the toll
Take a gulp and take a breath
Sign your name on a different scroll

You must watch your step with this Twilight
'Cause this thing's on a roll!
You poor—unfortunate—souls!